He had had a massive heart attack the previous Sunday and was on life support.
After running a CT scan, a base line test for brain activity and talking to the nuerologist to get an idea where everything stood with his brain we made the decision to withdraw the machines that were keeping him alive.
I believe he was probably already gone on Sunday. The paramedics had to resuscitate him at the house and again at the ER. It was estimated he was without oxygen for 20 minutes in the ER alone. That wasn't counting the time without oxygen at the house before the EMTs arrived. I believe they brought his physical body back to life with machines.
Even though I felt like he was already gone having to actually be apart of making the decision to have the machines withdrawn- the machines that were keeping his body alive- was one of the most awful decisions of my life. One I hope to never again have to make.
Lots of people have asked if I was close to my dad. Regardless of how close or distant you are from a parent when their death comes you're still losing a mom or dad. But, to answer the question; yes and no. There have been times in my life that I have been closer to my dad. Unfortunately, the last 2 1/2 years have not been one of those times. Partly by our (Derek and my) choice and partly by his. But, whats done is done and you can't change time. Previous to that my dad has been in and out of my life by his choice.
When I look back at my dads involvement, or lack thereof at times, in my life I feel an amazing amount of grace and forgiveness for him. Two things only the Lord can supply me with. Without the Lord holding my hand, in my relationship with my earthly father, through my life I could have developed into a bitter woman from the experiences with my dad. But, the Lord has given me his eyes to see my dad through and grace to see that my dad was just a hurting person.
That Sunday morning, before I had gotten word of my dads heart attack, I was standing in the shower having this conversation with God. Derek and I had been reading a book that prompted our conversation the night before as to why, if our faith is really that important to us, aren't we screaming from the rooftops and banging down the doors of our friends and family members that we love making sure they get their relationships right with the Lord. There were 3 people who came to mind as I was standing in the shower talking to the Lord about this. Wondering why I haven't made sure these people know what the Word says about where they possibly stand with the Lord. My dad was one of them. One person who accepted the Lord as a child but bore no real fruit as an adult. One person who, out of shear love for him and Him, I should have made sure he knew how much I loved him by making sure he knew how much He loved him.
But I didn't.
And, I know that ultimately that is the Holy Spirits work. But, I also know that as a believer and follower of Christ its my job to spread His truth.
And, I failed with my own dad.
I don't know where I stand theologically on the whole once saved always saved. Or can you lose your salvation. Or anything like that. But, what I do know is that we don't know the number of days the Lord has ordained for us or anyone we know. And how important it is to make sure we're right with the Lord always. And to make sure we're carrying out our responsibility here on earth to share the gospel.
And, I hope that I one day get to see my daddy again.
My dad wanted to be cremated so we put off a memorial service for a few weeks. This Sunday is the service. Please continue to pray for my family. Please pray for my boldness when it comes to the 2 other people the Lord brought to mind that morning. Because my faith is important enough and I do love them enough to make sure they're aware of what the Word says.