Thursday, September 23, 2010

Two Weeks Ago

Two weeks ago I lost my dad.

He had had a massive heart attack the previous Sunday and was on life support. 
After running a CT scan, a base line test for brain activity and talking to the nuerologist to get an idea where everything stood with his brain we made the decision to withdraw the machines that were keeping him alive.

I believe he was probably already gone on Sunday. The paramedics had to resuscitate him at the house and again at the ER. It was estimated he was without oxygen for 20 minutes in the ER alone. That wasn't counting the time without oxygen at the house before the EMTs arrived. I believe they brought his physical body back to life with machines.

Even though I felt like he was already gone having to actually be apart of making the decision to have the machines withdrawn- the machines that were keeping his body alive- was one of the most awful decisions of my life. One I hope to never again have to make. 

Lots of people have asked if I was close to my dad. Regardless of how close or distant you are from a parent when their death comes you're still losing a mom or dad. But, to answer the question; yes and no. There have been times in my life that I have been closer to my dad. Unfortunately, the last 2 1/2 years have not been one of those times. Partly by our (Derek and my) choice and partly by his. But, whats done is done and you can't change time. Previous to that my dad has been in and out of my life by his choice. 

When I look back at my dads involvement, or lack thereof at times, in my life I feel an amazing amount of grace and forgiveness for him. Two things only the Lord can supply me with. Without the Lord holding my hand, in my relationship with my earthly father, through my life I could have developed into a bitter woman from the experiences with my dad. But, the Lord has given me his eyes to see my dad through and grace to see that my dad was just a hurting person. 

That Sunday morning, before I had gotten word of my dads heart attack, I was standing in the shower having this conversation with God. Derek and I had been reading a book that prompted our conversation the night before as to why, if our faith is really that important to us, aren't we screaming from the rooftops and banging down the doors of our friends and family members that we love making sure they get their relationships right with the Lord. There were 3 people who came to mind as I was standing in the shower talking to the Lord about this. Wondering why I haven't made sure these people know what the Word says about where they possibly stand with the Lord. My dad was one of them. One person who accepted the Lord as a child but bore no real fruit as an adult. One person who, out of shear love for him and Him, I should have made sure he knew how much I loved him by making sure he knew how much He loved him. 
But I didn't. 
And, I know that ultimately that is the Holy Spirits work. But, I also know that as a believer and follower of Christ its my job to spread His truth. 

And, I failed with my own dad. 

I don't know where I stand theologically on the whole once saved always saved. Or can you lose your salvation. Or anything like that. But, what I do know is that we don't know the number of days the Lord has ordained for us or anyone we know. And how important it is to make sure we're right with the Lord always. And to make sure we're carrying out our responsibility here on earth to share the gospel. 

And, I hope that I one day get to see my daddy again.

My dad wanted to be cremated so we put off a memorial service for a few weeks. This Sunday is the service. Please continue to pray for my family. Please pray for my boldness when it comes to the 2 other people the Lord brought to mind that morning. Because my faith is important enough and I do love them enough to make sure they're aware of what the Word says.


  1. Lindsay,
    I am so sorry about what you are going thru. My husband just went thru this in April. He had to make that same decision to stop the machines. Dan's dad was never in church, and Dan and he were never "close" although, Dan would check on his dad and make sure he had groceries, etc. His dad had issue with Dan because Dan was a christian. Dan is the only one in his immediate family that is a christian. Our pastor told Dan this, when Dan talked with him about his dad's salvation. He said "who are we to say yes or no to if he was saved. There could have been a conversation with the God while he was unconcious. Don't limit what our God can do." That has been very comforting to Dan...and it is right. Who are we to limit God? Dan really struggled and then at the memorial service (Dan's dad was cremated), it was dark, sprinkling, very windy and cold. When the minister was reading scripture, he came to a verse that talked about the winds stopping. Right then and there, the sun came out, the wind stopped, and it was warm. There was a train whistle in the background and then the train went right by the cemetary at that moment (Dan's dad loved trains from a little boy). Even the minister said to Dan, it was like God was shining down on them at that moment. That has comforted Dan also. He said to him, it was like God was telling him, his Dad was ok.
    Dan has had the what if's and only if's, but he has to trust and know that he lived a christian walk and his dad saw that and his dad knew why Dan was so different.
    I pray that God will give you a special "somthing" that will bring you peace during all of this. I am praying for you, my friend!

  2. You are in my prayers today. I'm sorry you're walking through this dark valley.

  3. why would you think his relationship wasn't right with the Lord?


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